On Belay

As our friend Amy points out, the working-mother vs. stay-at-home mother is a sensitive and well-beaten topic. We don’t want to go there. We just want to share our ideas about our situation; what works, and what’s challenging. This post contains our “big picture” philosophy. Soon we’ll get into details of a 4HWW family-centered workflow.

Climber at Maple Canyon

12 years ago I was really in to rock climbing. In modern climbing there are two roles: the lead and the belay. Let’s take our cues from Wikipedia and fill out this analogy as it applies to 4HWW and families.

Lead Responsibilities

The lead sets the pace. They are responsible for placing anchors along a route, or securely clipping in to existing ones. They look ahead, planning the next steps towards safely reaching the goal. In a 4HWW family, the lead is the person designated as primary income provider. They must keep the money flowing in, and drive the implementation of “muses” (see the FHWW book ).

Belay Responsibilities

“It is extremely important for the belayer to concentrate on the climber’s situation, as they literally have the climber’s life in their hands.” Belaying is serious business. I’ve been a part of adrenaline-rush-inducing falls as both a lead and a belayer. It forms a special trust between climbers that I imagine is similar to sky-divers packing each others chutes. When the lead calls for more slack, the belayer carefully gives it, but is quick to take it up should the lead fall. The belayer does the same for a 4HWW family. They take primary responsibility for:

care of the children
finances, monitoring the amount of “slack” the family has
day-to-day logistics of living

It’s not just lip service to say that the stay-at-home spouse fills a more difficult role than the breadwinner.

Communication

It’s easy for a lead to get tired and rely too heavily on a belayer, ultimately resulting in a failed attempt. Likewise, (and especially when kids are in the picture) it’s easy for the belayer to become exhausted and distracted. If either scenario occurs too frequently, then a serious adjustment needs to be made; you simply might not be ready for the “climb” you’re attempting. Needless to say that constant, open, clear communication is vital.

“But I just want to climb…”

If you’re a career-driven professional, you might be reading this and thinking “I don’t ever want to belay (in a family sense).” That reaction is probably more likely if you’re not married with children. When you think of rock climbing, you think of actually climbing. You don’t hear people say “yeah, I’m a professional belayer.” But every climber belays. Roles can change in a family, and they don’t always have to be starkly divided. In the spirit of really going for it, we will be pushing this division, to the extreme over the next several months, but it’s not going to be like that forever.

Whatever your situation, just remember that the goal of 4HWW is to work less and spend more time pursuing your dreams. For many of us, those dreams include more time with our families. If you’re not in to that, this series of posts probably isn’t for you